I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
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