My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
