thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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