I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
