she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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