its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
