There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
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Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
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You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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