Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
