she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
