hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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