I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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