Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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