there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
