My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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