morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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