How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
