Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I need to align my fucking chakras
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