Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I just forgot I was standing up.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
