So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
