I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
