why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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