he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
