sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
