Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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