He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
