got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
