You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
