but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
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Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
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He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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