dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
