All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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