heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
