i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
