Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
