She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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