I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
