My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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