Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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