I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Randomize
