If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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