My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
