Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
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