My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
