i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
