I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
