HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
