my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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