I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
FUCK WHALES
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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