I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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