sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
