You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
