in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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