Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
We left an ass print on the piano.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
