Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
