I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Randomize
