You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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