Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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