So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
